Bullies stink.

Recently, Xia xue, Singapore’s very own blogger queen, was involved in a dispute and there was a mayhem. This time round, she did not talk about controversial topics or raved about products which she received but one that was very close to heart: Bullying.

In 2 of her latest blog post, she unleashed her fury and lashed back at some uncouth men who used words loosely to describe her and her friends. She and her friends were unmistakably the victims of cyber bullying. These are the links to her posts.

Faces of Haters

Faces of Haters Part 2 – Unrepentant

I felt her as I read her words as I, too, was a victim of bullies.

It started off the other way though.

When I was young, I do not know what is a bully and what is bullying. I went around befriending classmates my way. I was always puzzled with why some of my classmates shunned me. I went on to upper primary and learnt that my peers perceived me as arrogant and bossy. I did not know how to react. Friendships that I thought were forged fell apart after we went out separate ways and it was too late to reconcile with any of them.

When I entered Secondary school, a brand new environment did me good. I got to know a few like-minded people and we stuck around. Til today, we kept in touch. I’m thankful for their companionship though once again, I learnt that I was too boisterous and pretty much abhorred.

The want to be accepted drove me to embark on a journey of change. I started by being nice. I started listening to advices and accepting other’s opinions. I started noticing people’s expressions when I used different words and different tones. I wanted to be “nice”. That was when things took a downturn.

A misunderstanding got a group people I had to work with ostracizing me.

A miscommunicated message got me pestered by a few lunatics during my lecture and involved Poh in the most unfortunate way.

A gesture of being friendly got me humiliated and taunted by an arrogant and loony dimwit.

A presumptuous attention-seeker cracked a joke that was uncalled for and told me to take it in my stride.

It got me wondering. Should I have changed and subject to myself to all these unnecessary abuse?

I let my guards down, choosing to adopt the belief that everyone has some goodness in them. I was proven wrong.

Did I retaliate when all these took place? No. I had become too nice for my own good. I shrugged my shoulders and told them I don’t care. I laughed it off like a bad joke, even when it was carried way too far. I put up a brave front so that I don’t appear weak. When cornered, I pretended no words could hurt me and faked a smile. Unknowingly, I let the persecutors triumph.

I forced myself not to think about those nasty experiences but each time I talked about it, tears welled up in my eyes.  Now, even as I’m typing these out, I’m fighting back my tears. I was scared and am still scared. I carried the hurt they caused me. I read some cool articles on letting go and thought that by doing so , by being magnanimous and forgiving the persecutors, I could be free of all these unhappy memories.

I could not. They still have their clutches over me. I have chosen to hide these memories away, brushed them aside and blame myself for allowing all of that to happen. Worst of it all, I did not fight back.

So, when I read the posts that Xiaxue wrote, I was jolted. She fought back, with such strength and chivalry, all to protect the ones she love and for the cause she believed in. I saw a person who spat at the persecutors in their faces.

I was impressed and in an instance, I felt empowered. I never knew a person could face and handle threats the way she did. I want to stand up for myself like how she did.

Just like how those men chose to leave hurtful and degrading comments about Xiaxue’s photo when she has done them no wrong, I had also been a victim of hurtful words and remarks when I did these people no wrong. I loathed the words they used that left me scarred.

So here’s me taking a teeny-weeny step for a start in retaliation:

To Person 1 and Person 2: Thank you for all the unkind remarks you said and the criticism you dealt me. I’m much stronger because of you. The more you gossiped, the more estranged I feel. Thanks for wanting so badly to get rid of me because you succeeded. You have excluded yourself from my life and I’m glad because I don’t need you in my life. I despised you for what you did but I’m glad you did because it made me see who you are. When the rest who joined you in your venture were as poisoned as your words, I felt sorry for them for not having a mind of their own. In any case, I am glad we are no longer friends, not even on talking terms because without you, my life is way better.

To the dimwit,

I had zero respect for you. You hold a big name but you fell short. You have an ego of a mammoth but an EQ of a potato. I feel sorry for you. If you ever dare say another nasty word in my face again, I will look you in the eye and tell you to f**k the hell off.

To the attention seeker,

Someone asked me, “ Can you take jokes?” I did not know the answer to that question but I do now. It depends on the joke and the person cracking the joke. If I want to humble myself and allow you to crack a joke on me, I would. If I can neither see the good intention behind your joke nor why a person like you should be allowed to crack the joke on me, I’ll make sure I give you a piece of my mind.

To those who stood up for me, talked to me, cheered me on and always stuck by me, I thank you.

To Xiaxue,

Thank you for writing these posts for they gave me strength to face the demons plaguing me for the longest time. I will stand up and fight fiercely for the ones I love and protect those who mean the world to me. I will not subject myself to ridicule. I will make sure that those who try to put me down will get what they deserved, right in their face.

Til the next post. 🙂

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